Ha! The first ep had some classics:
RIMMER: You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and
garrotte you with it.
LISTER: Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe? (He
does so, into Rimmer's face.)
RIMMER: Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.
LISTER: I know, yeah. By cheating.
RIMMER: (Holding up his arm, covered in writing) This is not cheating!
It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my
command.
LISTER: What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? Why
don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?
RIMMER: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an
officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have
the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?
LISTER: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?
RIMMER: *My* parents. The wrong parents.
LISTER: I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why
bother?
RIMMER: Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no
drive. You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on the ship.
LISTER: I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory
mice? I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.
(Squeaky voice) "Yes, sir, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee, eee..."
RIMMER: Lister, you are a nothing.
LISTER: I'm not a nothing! I've got me plan.
RIMMER: What's that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire
universe?
LISTER: No. Me five-year plan. You see, I'm going to do two more trips.
And I've been saving up all me pay--
RIMMER: Since when?
LISTER: Since always. That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or
socks or anything like that, you know. Anyway, I'm going to buy meself
a little farm on Fiji. And I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and
breed horses.
RIMMER: With a sheep and a cow?
LISTER: No, with horses and horses.
RIMMER: On Fiji?
LISTER: Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.
RIMMER: Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's
three feet below sea level!
LISTER: It's only three feet. They can wade. That's why the animals are
gonna hafta be quite tall.
RIMMER: Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister!
What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings?
Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with
dolphins and have leaping mutton. (Gesturing with his pen to represent
a woolly dolphin leaping out of the water) Baa, splash, baa, splash.
LISTER: You can get a drainage grant these days.
RIMMER: Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet-
look knitwear.
LISTER: Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, 'cause I
knew you'd say something like this.
RIMMER: Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich. (Miming a
swimmer and putting on a Mummerset voice) "Mornin', Farmer Lister! I'm
just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you
anything?"
Sorry if that takes up too much room but that whole scene was brill.